Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
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WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.