me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.