I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
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I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Happy Febuary everyone!
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.