“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.