Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.