16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips