The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
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A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
just left a huge legacy in there
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher