Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
You Might Also Like
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Uh oh…
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My whole life was a lie.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress