Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
This headline is a thing of beauty
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Happy birthday to all the women
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”