Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
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At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Chicago sounds lovely.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”