me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn鈥檛 ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 饾摠饾摳饾摼’饾摶饾摦 饾摥饾攤饾摬饾摲饾摪 饾摴饾摶饾摳饾摣饾摢饾摣饾摰饾攤
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
(2022)
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no