screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday