[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes