@free_mattress

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

@free_mattress

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

@free_mattress

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

@free_mattress

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

@free_mattress

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

@free_mattress

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave