Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
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Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
“Huge”.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle