[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!