Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.