Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count