One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
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PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?