MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
your honor my client chooses dare
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Me: how are you
Friday: good
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
we did it you guys we saved daylight
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks