DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please