KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me