INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner