ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian