[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist