my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
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Has science gone too far?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Geez man, take it easy.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything