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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I bet birds love this building.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]