The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
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Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working