If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
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me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.