if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going