i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
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Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
crazy
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.