Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs