Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t