@fuzzlime

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

@fuzzlime

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

@fuzzlime

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

@fuzzlime

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

@fuzzlime

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

@fuzzlime

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

@fuzzlime

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

@fuzzlime

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

@fuzzlime

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

@fuzzlime

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk