i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing