BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys