i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas