them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again