every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake