murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Sooo many times…..
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.