Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
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I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?