Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married