You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”