*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats