@garrydavenport

Thinking of my mother at Christmas, looking down on me. She’s not dead, just very condescending.

@garrydavenport

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

@garrydavenport

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

@garrydavenport

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

@garrydavenport

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

@garrydavenport

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

@garrydavenport

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

@garrydavenport

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

@garrydavenport

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

@garrydavenport

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them