me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.