Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?