Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.