Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.