Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.