If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.